I think he searched so hard, so long for something that when he got old he just got tired of searching for it and went nuts since a lot of his activities seemed in vain. I know exactly what he was looking for, and he would have found it if he just stopped looking. So he died quiet miserably. There is a lot of people like him, people who go around searching for something, they dont quite know what it is but they have to keep moving, keeping doing things, pulling things, carrying things, getting upset and so on. In his own words he was searching for his holy guardian angel. To me thats a reinterpretation of enlightenment. Well i bet he found enlightenment every now and then, and wanted to go back to that. I dont think he ever learned to appreciate being human. Its kind of sad really, wouldnt you agree?
But still, the reason i bring him up... You know its an important reason. I dont know how much you know about the guy, and i dont think it really matters. He was a person like you and me. He knew how to read and write and talk to people and bake bread and stuff like that. Not very different from you and me. He had bent up anger and problems, just like you and me. Anyway...
He was searching for something. And in a sense we all are every time we move, dont matter if its just a muscle or more, its still a search, a movement of the body. We induce it with our mind, or so they say. But what induced the will to do something in the first place? It cant be the body, it dont give commands right? And it cant be the mind since the mind seem to be the one giving commands to the body. So really, where does the commands come from that originate in the mind?
You know what? I really like being wrong. Being right is boring, you know what is going to happen in advance, and there it happens. If i know it in advance, it already sort of happend! See what i mean? Boring, right? Well it is i say. Its much more interesting to keep guessing, keep being surprised. So what do i do? I go there. What do i mean by that? I try to be wrong, i try to be on my toes, i try to keep guessing all the time. It keeps me sharp. And god damnit am i wrong? Oh boy oh boy, all the friggin time!
I dont really know why i started writing about Crowley, aint much special about him, hes just like the rest of us, he puts on his pants one leg at a time. He couldnt do no hokus pokus and WHAM he got himself a home made apple pie. No sire! But, and this is very important i think, we humans are very special. We are trumendous beings on this planet. We can plan ahead thousands of years and we can actually save knowledge for eternity. We can tell people thousands of years in advance what is going to happen if they do what we did, or what people before us did and what the consequences where.
The way i see it, we can even send messages into the future, heck thats what we are doing right now! I print this motherfucker out and slap it on my wall. No matter if i die, somebody is going to read a bit of it as they tare it down some day. They see all kinds of crazy shit about the military industrial complex and shit they aint ever heard about! Really weird shit! And maybe, just maybe among all that crap they might find a line saying something: "I dont give a fuck who you are, i love you until you die you crazy motherfucker."
They may just say: "What the fuck is this nutcase on about?" as they see all that crap scribbled on the walls or in some worn old ledger or something. But maybe, just maybe they bring that thing home. And maybe when they are a bit older they read that crap again and they go: "Hm maybe he just ment that. Maybe its that god damn simple." And then they get up and wiggle away on their robotlegs or what ever the fuck i dont know, and tell some friend about. Maybe the friend has a look in that old ledger. Maybe the friend prints it back into saveable computer form, as it once was written. Funny huh, that might happen. You cant say for sure its not going to happen at least. Beucase you are just like me, you are wrong a lot. So i dont matter if you dont think it can happen, you can still be wrong about that. See how that bitch works? Its a double edged dagger for sure.
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