Rolled into Gävle Centralstation on tuesday morning. It was really cold, at or around 0 degrees. So i kept moving, shooting pictures along the canal that runs through the center of gävle. I dont know where in my backpack i put my USB cable, but it should be in there somewhere.
October 17th
Today the brains in the game made a call while i was hauling trash around the building site with the scarred man. Before that the skylift forward and backward motor almost broke down so we couldnt do any more insulation on the inside of the cube. So there was a lot of talking to the scarred man and his daughter, and grandson. Wonderfull people all three of them, though scarred, not the grandson though. The grandson really liked playing with the bracelet my father made. He is not using many words yet, but his mom is wonderful so i bet she will teach him a lot more. At one occation he looked at me and said "You". He did it a couple of times while giving me things he found. There was no cooked lunch so me and the scarred man ate apple pie from the day before. Most of the troupe was busy with a production meeting most of the day from say 10 to 15 maybe.
Afterwards i talked to the smögen guy about his totem goblin. We sat around the campfire and made eyes at each other, pretty much the whole troupe and everybody else who was around. I talked to the white haired man about G, and i talked to the birdlady about how i cannot be a part of group rite, that its not simply the way my magic works. I have very little of my own intention in it, does not know where it begins or ends. I am theirs. I am their tool. The only thing i can do to avoid it is perish, and i dont want that. So i have to let them use me as a channel, and while doing so at least i can try to understand why and what they are doing.
When we got home to the red mine i quickly became deadly tired after we watched some of that movie about the poet named "Allen Ginsberg". It would have been a pleasure to know and love this "Allen". He seemed like a very good fella with his head put on right and his heart in the right place.
October 18th to October 28th
Preparations for Burning land party, as well as reharsals and continuation of building. A lot of fun, a lot of laughs, good food and hugs all around. Ive never had this fun my entire life. Im staying here! Also i moved into my apartment here in Västmanland. We soon put a friend there so as not to be bored, a muscician/genious from Stockholm. We often walk the same thoughts and just skip the bullshit and get to the core when we communicate.
October 29th BURNING LAND
I ferried my brother to the island and we had a nice sit down and discussed magical theory, gathering, dispersment, healing (both mental and physical) and such things. We ate sausage and pork and made coffee.
I had quite a boring time from sundown to 2 AM, ferrying people over to the island to talk to my brother. One of my boots got wet and one of the oars emplacement broke of so i had to use one oar, standibng up switching from left to right while navigating in pitch black across the river to the island, while trying to be polite and explain the "bears law". Not so much fun.
After 2 AM i was afraid the DJs was going to quit, but MAN was i wrong! I drank my first and last alchol for the evening, one beer, and then i shook my ass like i never shooked it before. Dubstep and psytrance was the music of choice. Dancer crowd varied from 1 (only me) to about 9 maybe, since most people already went home when i got done with my ferrying obligations. It was around 15 degrees in the hall, but i was still drenched in sweat by 4 AM when it was time to go home. That was fun. Although i got bitten.
October 30th to November 2nd
The day after the party was my only day off, with no work for 3 weeks. Not that thats the why i wanted it, its just how the cookie crumbled since not enough people was able to do anything. So we rested...
Day after we loaded the old sawmill by the beach with the furniture and then i drove to Skinnsberg with two friends and got on the train to Gävle. I ate at that nice chinese place in Gävle and then WHAM off north to Luleå to go collect clothes, my laptop and stuff like that and then me, a friend and my dad are going back. Dad will stay for 4 days and go back with my friend. Ill probably stay until christmas when ill go to my sister in Stockholm for christmas.
November 12th
Im at a friends computer. I dont even have any internet connection of my own, and its not really bothering me. I can update the blog at when my day as a construction worker is at end. Or i can just do it like this on my friends computer. Im doing construction on the theater house and other facilities such as the work shop at the back of the theater building and the reception area. According to relatively informed and intelligent sources we will be constructing for at least three more years before the present buildings are "done" in such a way that the architect will have seen how his plans panned out into existence. I have got most of my important stuff here since my father helped me to move it here, 1000 kilometres from where it was before (dads garage). So i have all of my drawings and recent poetry, which is most important. Also i have most of my clothing that i will want to have until spring. I have my laptop here, mostly for writing, music and movies.
My economic situation is OK until at least spring, and then afterwards ive got a nice .8 probability plan for some more doe flowing at a constant and adequate rate for another 6 months landing me in november 2012. If im given confidence to act economically, or if my further plans are taking seriously by the rest of the troupe, the doe will continue to flow even after those 12 months has passed. The further economic situation after november 2012 is however a little uncertain, considering at about that time, the most difficult situation of the western economies will have surfaced and bloomed, making all state (federal) grants more or less sketchy. However, Riddarhyttan (my present home) has large unused mineral deposits. The mines shut down one after the other around here during the 20th century though and right now there is little present mining activity. But with climbing mineral prices a lot of companies with a lot of new technology is planning to open up mines in many places. From what i understand copper and iron has been mined here since the 14th century. My brother even told me about a mine that they furnished with a scene and places to watch from. And they put on plays about the local people and the places important to them in and around this particular mine and the mines around it. I asked to see that place but he told me it was shut down a while back.
At the time (around 2000 or a few years before) there was a swell guy who was very sensitive who was a part of the troupe. He could not allow himself the bathe in the love that the people here spread, so eventually he drove himself to suicide. I saw his ghost in my brothers kitchen in May. He was hanging out by the pantry door. I could not see the face, the apparition was dark green (as most are when i perceive them), so i did not know who it was. My brother told me that me who it was that night, and that it was nothing to be worried about, he just wants to hang out with his old pals even though hes body is no more.
Anyway...
Right now im drinking apple juice, fresh apple juice. My arms are quite numb and sore from the construction work, climbing up and down ladders while carrying equipment and tools. So i told the two guys with a general take on the construction as a whole that im not coming in for work on Saturday (today), just to let them know why i was not there. Its quite funny, here we take responsibility for our own work and the hours we put in, we get the day off if we just tell why, its not like we need permission, but its a courtesy to the other people on site. Some people are hired by the troupes own money though, but they mostly put in more hours then they are ment to anyway, so in that aspect it works out just fine. Some even work 10-12 hours a day, on theyre own initiative. Ive talked some about overworking and the fact that it can creep up on you, so at least to give them a fighting chance to notice. 40 hours of work is a good target for me, at least when it comes to physical work.
19e November till 1 December 2011
(Sorry for switching to swedish at the moment, i will be back in english soon. Ive used the following swedish bit of text for the book that i have the responsibility of writing, and im not really in the mood to translate it.)
Jag är inte min
Jag är inte din
Jag är deras
Mitt riktiga jobb kan jag nästan aldrig prata om. Det finns nästan ingen som lyssnar. Mitt riktiga jobb är ingen position som jag har ålagt mig själv och det spelar ingen roll om jag tycker om mina arbetsuppgifter eller inte, för jag förgås om jag inte utför dem. Ofta är dessa uppgifter höljd i dunkel för mig och jag känner dom inte speciellt väl och ingen jag känner väl har ålagt mig dom.
En god vän sa en gång att jag är antingen den mest normala eller den mest onormala person han känner till. Vilket av dom kunde han inte avgöra. Jag tror jag börjar förstå vad han menar och jag ska försöka förklara, även om det jag egentligen skulle behöva säga ligger utanför det möjliga spåkens ramar.
Den fysiska världen bestående av samhället är inte min värld, jag håller inte med om dess antaganden och betingelser som den som organism påför sig själv. De flesta av de antaganden står mig upp i halsen om spya, det går att svälja men jag blir sjukare om jag gör det.
Människor framstår oftast för mig som vilsna, osäkra och giriga. Helt ofokuserade och förvirrade driver de genom ett landskap dom inte klart kan se eller förstå. Förgäves letar dom efter någon som kan visa dem vägen, men dom tar fel, ingen kan visa dom vägen till någonting alls. Endast en obändig, oändlig, evinnerlig, opersonlig, personlig kraft kan vara deras sanna hem.
Dom saker jag är nödgad att göra för att överleva kommer aldrig vara mitt riktiga jobb. Mitt riktiga jobb utförs i stillhet, ofta i skogen, bortom ord och krav, bortom tid och rum.
Förvirring i kontexten ovan är att inte vara närvarande och att inte helt ägna sig helt åt den förhandensvarande aktiviteten. Den förvirrade driver istället i tanken iväg till andra rum, platser och tider på ett nästan slumpartat vis helt utan någon grundtanke och kontroll. Den förvirrade gör en sak men tänker på en helt annan.
2a December
Slutligen har jag med nöje förstått hur jag med nöje kan tillämpa mig själv i teatermaskinen: Att se och verka i de krafter som på ytan spelas ut som ”gruppdynamik”, på ett vänskapligt, långsiktigt, kortsiktigt, hjärtligt och samtidigt beräknande sätt. Att ha en plan redo i förväg för varje uppkomlig situation. Jag ska verka utan veto och utan våld. Jag ska ofta verka utan att synas. Men stundtals ska jag dra uppmärksamhet till mig om det gagnar teatermaskinens överlevnad på lång sikt men endast då.
Det pulserande, dånande ljuset, det vill säga idén. Pulserar fram ett budskap till mig: Du är mannen med planen. Vilken plan undrar jag? Planen för allt, för det finns bara en plan. Planen är inte min eller din men den är i allting så det är våran plan. Mitt liv går ut på att realisera planen. Mitt liv är ett förkroppsligande av planen, planen om allting. Jag kan se planen om allting tydligare och tydligare för varje dag som går. Jag kan förstå allting. När man förstår planen är alla världsliga bekymmer små: Det gör inget att jag slog omkull kaffekoppen så den gick sönder och det kom kaffe på golvet, för nu förstår jag planen med att jag har hushållspapper. Jag har fler muggar så det gör inget att en gick sönder. Det gör inget att vi inte har några pengar, jag vet precis hur vi ska göra för att få stålar från staten och hur vi ska sälja en jävligt bra bok. Det gör inget att det blåser och regnar och isoleringen blir blöt, vi fixar det ändå på måndag, vi vet precis hur vi ska göra vi förborrar ju såklart då blir det lättare att dra i skruven underifrån.
Bara man sätter sig ned och funderar så får man kontakt med den där dånande, pulserande idén. Det är inga problem, det är bara att köra! Kom igen nu kör vi!
5 e December
Jag låg och läste mina Vygotsky anteckningar från 2006-07 och först tänkte jag att jag nog aldrig varit så smart som jag var när jag hade läst och bearbetat Vygotskys 2.500 sidor, dom där 2.500 sidor som hittades mögliga på en gammal vind i Ryssland. Nåja några sekunder efteråt insåg jag plötsligt följande: Det går att fastställa tydliga steg i mental utveckling, på ett fruktbart sätt. Jag säger inget om objektivitet, utan jag säger bara det går att fastställa tydliga steg i mental utveckling, på ett fruktbart sätt. Det precis det Vygotsky gjorde men blev avbruten i på grund av att han dog i TBC. Exakt i det ögonblicket vände min så fasta tidigare övertygelse om att jag aldrig varit så smart som 2006-2007, för jag insåg Vygotskys briljans då, men inte exakt vari den låg. Det gör jag nu. Bara det är ett monumentalt tankearbete, i alla fall ser jag det så. Vilket gör att jag alltså måste vara smartare nu eftersom jag inte klarade det tidigare.
Vygotskys briljans ligger i just det knivskarpa, fruktansvärt smarta observationer och förklaringar han kom fram till i sina må jag säga helt för subjektet harmlösa experiment: Att det faktiskt finns observerbara, tydliga steg i mental utveckling. Stegen finns där i hans böcker, nu väntar den monumentala uppgiften att kritisera dem, förfina dem, utvidga experimenten och så vidare. Åt helvette med postmodernisterna. Låt CG Jung vila ett tag även om man sneglar lite på hans kategorier för kul skull, för det är möjligt om inte kanske troligt att hans drömmerier kan vara till nytta, om inte annat så i alla fall som utgångspunkter till experiment. Däremellan eller efter detta gäller det att sammanställa alltsammans till en teori. Den tredje fasen blir att tillämpa teorin och det är där det allra roligaste kommer. Skit samma i vilken ordning faserna blir gjorda, det är nog bäst om jag hoppar emellan dem för att kunna hålla intresset uppe.
Fas 1: Rensa bort skitsnacket. Behöver man kategorisera komplexen i de eller ens sådana kategorier som V upprättade efter sina experiment? En idé kan vara att använda empiri-idéer från symbolisk interaktionism
Fas 2: En tunn bok, säg högst 200 sidor, helst 50 kanske. Första delen bör vara förtätad teori, väldigt avkokad från svammel. Andra delen kan vara en slags bakgrund och förklaring av teorin, men det är av yttersta vikt att de kommer i den ordning så att man tar det roliga först och det lite tristare senare för att inte tappa eventuell läsares intresse.
Fas 3: Appendix till boken, med tillämpade uträkningar samt kvalitativa texteexempel på kraftabstraktioner.
Komplexet är personligt, helt erfarenhetsmässigt och konkret. När man hör någon som en invändning säga på en föreläsning: ”Ja men när jag gjorde x så var det så att y.” eller ”Jag känner en A som minsann inte var x även fast du säger att dom som är A brukar vara x.” så är det komplexen som kommer fram. Missförståndet som uppstår handlar helt enkelt om att man försöker underkasta begreppet bestämmelser på komplexen.
Det Platon gör i sina dialoger är att försöka förklara begreppet ”Rättivsa”, ”Den rättrådiga staten” eller ”kärlek”. En bra andens bildning ska leda till att utveckla begrepp. Begreppen är ord för egenskaper, skiljd från objekten. Således är begreppen objektlösa, de behöver inga objekt för att användas.
Late November until 10th of December
Ok so back in English. Ive spent most of the last month on a scaffold, making the theater building with my friends and such. We have been working 10-15 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week, so im pretty beat by now. We get a lot of help from the local community, the old the young and everything in between that can be coaxed or loved into helping us is with us. Electricians, Ukrainians, ventilation guys, velders and people like that get a bit of doe, but not much. Im low on intellectual stimulus also, and its hard to read philosophy or science after 10-15 hours of hard work. Anyway, on thursday or friday next week the walls of the house needs to be complete, and thats the main focus of my current work efforts. After the 15th of December there will be more of the fun stuff, rehersal, getting into the politics of culture and fighting for our cause, writing the book Teatermaskinens project about forest cultures and whatnot.
December 15 th
Today is inspection day of the building and im getting a well deserved rest today. Cookies, milk and couple of random movies is on my schedule. Ran out of filters for coffee though...
December 27 th
I survived christmas in Stockholm and now im back home in Riddarhyttan. Anders told me that Ödring extended my economic benefits until the 1st of May, so im home safe until then. Ive been reading Richards newest litterary work, its well writen but not really my genre of interest. Prelude to foundation is soon in the mail heading my way, thats going to be a blast to read, ive almost read through the foundation trilogy for the second time, and its even better then the first time. I doubt we will be doing much work from here to new years, i might get a bit bored, as Timothy is away, dont know about Yohanna and Andreas yet. Well think ill watch some movies today. Before i went to Stockholm i wrote some general national economics prethesis work and i got into it again in Stockholm. The aim is to explain the current swedish economic state, and in part the whole economic state of the world, and at give a calculation of how to get out of those troubles. I also realised i have an intuitive sense for probability calculations that other people dont. Im not saying im right all the time about it, im saying its just there.
December 31st
We had about 30 people in total for new years. Only Hasse and Cicci was missing from the troupe. We had friggin BLAST! It was enormous. 10-12 dishes + dessert that i sort of was in charge of (3 kinds of icrecream, biscuits and whatnot). Though Timothy didnt get to play his music as intended. We talked about his space as an artist and why it didnt work and the reason was there where children there and people wanted to sit around and talk. Dub step and talking + small children doesnt work out that good. Well all i drank was the starter drink, so that i could drive people home if need be. Timothy got to play his music in the end, and another dude (Christian) played his thing too and i danced like mad, my legs are still kind of sore (5th of january). After midnight we played with the band, and FUCK that was fun. I think we where 10 people playing in total at times. Kenneth didnt have his guitar so that was kind of a bummer, so he played some piano. And we had 4 people on vocals there for a while. Jonas wants me to do some vocals soon. Maybe ill read some poetry.
We had an afterparty at Emmanuels place, think we got there at around 4 AM. I think we where only 5 people there so it was really mellow, some Neil Young and something else i dont remember. But it was no problem to keep going since i just drank the starter. I made a speech in about one hour and then i talked about the future to come (grim), and how important it will be to have people close by that you can trust. And then we went home after 7AM and slept until 15PM on the 1st.
January 3rd
Sami came over for a big meeting about making a horror movie in the spring.
January 4th
Band rehersal was awesome today! We did one, slow, kinda quite bit, really beautiful. And then, by direction of Sami the movie dude we saw "Suspiria" and "Dagon". Dagon was shit. Suspiria was really well done, gorgeous indoors environments. Every murder was like a painting. Pretty cool acting, really nice lighting, a lot of efficient work with colors and stuff. A bunch of art deco everywhere. But it was not that great a movie, sort of boring and then WHAM! the end.
January 5th
Im tired of meetings, we have had a bunch of em about future and past theater productions and about an older culture project, of which the original notes im writing a book. Well anyway today i got to go over a text for a piece on my childhood, with me and two others with similar texts. My brother is directing as always.
Had a meeting at home about planning for the house, who is moving in, when, where are they going to live, what kind of art do they do and so on. There is a whole bunch of people interested in moving hear, peoples moms, movie makers and whatnot. Well anyway, i have to continue reading Adorno & Horkheimer, im doing a lecture on them on the 10th, evening lecture, so there might even be red wine. Dont think ill have any though.
January 6th
Had a meeting about Truth Motherfucker project today. Most of us where there and we added comments to Anders text that will be sent to allmänna arvsfonden, who has all the cash to see if they are interested in sponsoring a multi year project centered on the experiences on young people and why everything gets so wrong in their life with drugs, abuse, suicide, self mutilation and all that kind of thing. The municipality, social services and a bunch of other organisations sure are interested in what we are doing concerning that.
In the afternoon i went home to write some more of the lecture on Adorno and Horkheimer.
January 9th
Rehersed our Truth motherfucker texts. We worked a lot with dancing to digital music using Kundalini and the pendulum. In my text i went into how it was to get out, get out of the prison this insane system call "school", how i just left because i had to.
January 10th
Lecture on Adorno & Horkheimer went well. 7 people + me where there. People think that i explained something complicated in a simple way, and that was my goal. The subject seem important to everyone there as it touched massculture, culture in general and the economics of this in capitalism, and how it has been economized. Also the book touches on existential issues, since in every thought every action there is an antithesis, and it wasnt all that easy to explain how that works. How that works but not in opposites, somethings antithesis does not carry opposite characteristics of the thesis itself.
January 12th
Acting with Truth motherfucker texts today. We worked on the point of balance at the hips and outwards using mostly reggae. I travelled far from my original script the first time we went through it, and on the second time i came into my story of how i wandered into the woods in spring 2010 and onwards. I used a lot Gestalt on the second go at the text. Mostly i used a mental picture of a huge machine and how in school at young age i was put into that machine and how it threatened to crush me.
January 16th
Added quite a lot of texts to book project, the essay about magic with new added comments, a text about the monstrous sounds in the forest and something else i probably forgot.
January 17th
Acting today, Cissi was away so it was Jonas, Jocke Å, Jocke W, Hannes and me.. Worked on mid point circle dancing, both to techno and reggae. Jocke Wern joined in today. We didnt work on hour texts today but we had a new excersize where we wiev the world from the eggshape of the personal magnetic field. We expanded that and worked on seeing both from the edge of the field, or the "egg shell" as well as from our normal eyes.
January 18th
Played with the band and shit fuck god damnt it was fun. Hannes joined in to back Jonas on Vocals, Timothy was a little off because he quit smoking and coffee at once so he ditched out, but Kenneth rocked the house on guitar and i got Jörgen in a bit of a frenzy on the drumset. I used my usual reindeer skin drum and the big ol´ bass drum up against the wall. Then we even got to some kind of Jazz akapella in the kitchen afterwards.
January 19th
Today Emmanuel joined in but Cissi was not with us. When i acted my text Jonas thought of it as dancing poetry and it seemed Hannes agreed somewhat. Iused the machine picture and linked that to the story of how i walked into the woods and was enlightened in March and thereabout. Didnt get to the part where i almost freezed to death, it would have taken too much time. Jonas thought i made to much of a deal with the transformation into animal form, but Hannes thought it was fun. Jonas directing comment was not clear though i might have misunderstood it. Jocke Å made somewhat of a breakthrough after midday, he was able to get rid of a lot of tentions. Emmanuel was challenged to drive through his pain of being born in critique of his grandfather and later dying suddenly, while waking up shortly afterwards.
January 21st
Yesterday my brother, Hannes, Jocke Å, Berit and me drank some wine and listened to rock music from 1965 to 1986 something like that. As the conversation moved from one flow to the next my brother said at one point that what we do now as actors in rehersal and practice have never been done before. We mix techniques from various fields of shamanism and magic, with various forms of rhytmn and music, with various forms of dancing, with psycoanalysis, with various forms of gathering, dispersing and directing energy into a teaching of how to use the body as a thin membrane surrounding the collective and individual subconsious. And in so doing directing those forced that normally remain unseen through the body of the actor. So we are entering a field dense with the greatest wisdom of the ages. We are doing something unique. We are the forefront of expolrative, boundless, contemporary theater. And i am a part of that. I take pride in that. Yet i expect noone to understand given that they have not been with us. But then maybe someone will understand even though they where not there. Maybe someone is on the doorstep to understanding. Maybe i can transfer all that to those outside.
January 23rd
Today we worked on acting, me, my brother, Berit, Jocke W, Jocke Å and Hannes. First we danced for an hour or two, untying bodily knots and removing our knots placing them at our seat in the circle. We talked and worked a lot on the egg form. We said that the sense of vision we place at it, is not normal vision, its more a matter of senseing and being aware of the environment and what is there. Then we all laid down in a pile to boil as soup. And then we worked on stories from our childhood. As i lay on the pelt telling about my childhood and how i came to understand the extradimensionality of roleplaying, the lines of the ceiling behaved much like waves as i looked at them. We ended with some talking about general concepts in the stories so far, a lot seemed centered on mothers this time. Not my story though it was about how i came to do roleplaying as a kid at age 7. When i came home Timothy had come home and Jocke came by for a while. Then we watched a movie that was sort of decent, yet sort of pointless.
January 26th
Today we had acting rehersal, and Amanda joined in so it was her, Jocke Å, Jocke W, Berit, Emanuel, my brother and Andreas who fell asleep accidentally twice. Hannes was home with his son ho was sick. We didnt go into our texts this time, but as we had one excersize we where supposed to feel through the others. As i was focused on doing that, closing my eyes and focusing on that fleeting, throbbing, mostly yellow stuff, with my eyes closed, suddenly my focus was drawn behind me. I turned with my eyes closed and saw a something that i can later describe as a living, dark blue, twisting cloud. It was in the corner of the theater room towards lake Skila. I think its color shifted to black as its body came closer to its middle, and closer to blue as it extend outward. It shot into me and i had a million thoughts in a second. Its not evident that i can recall that much of those thoughts if am not in deep meditation. It had the power of at least a hundred normal people, fifteen metres away. I do know that i found some kind of reason. A reason to know what that was. For lack of a better name, i will call it "The blue god", for i am quite sure its much older then people still alive and much more powerfull.
As it exited i coughed a lot. I decided to stop drinking coffee and stop smoking regularly after that. I just have to find out more, and i cant if im dead or unfocused. Did it want to tell me something? Or did i just tune into its mode of being? Is it always there? Can it have something to do with the fact that i have never physically hurt another person and another person has never hurt me? Knowingly and willingly ive never hurt a person at all. There just never seem to be any reason to do that. What if that blue god is around me always? What if its a part of me? What if thats really me and my body is just an attachment to it? Maybe it is the guardian god of the mine or the lake? Maybe its the little girl who drowned there so many years ago?
January 30th
My brother was home sick, so we had no director this day. Though Yohanna and Amanda had time to catch up with help from Emanuel, Jocke W, Hannes and me. I ran a lot, for an hour or more, round and round in the cube. Its more fun to run then to smoke, and i cant do both. We did an excersize where we try to breathe through the face while concentrating on the face of another person. I saw the flesh being peeled from Emanuels skull, i saw him transform into at least three different forms of animals. And i got the feeling my consiousness was really in him and vice versa.
I think it was either this night or some night before it: Timothy and the cat was asleep, i could hear both of them snoring, the cat lightly, Timothy a bit heavier. There was nobody but us at home and it was in the middle of the night, maybe 2 AM or so. Suddenly i heard the sound of somebody dancing or walking with their feet dragging. I heard it for about 10 seconds and then it stopped.
Some weeks before that i saw a greenish apparition in the corner of the room. And a few weeks after that i saw a dark green guy crawling on the floor.
February 3rd to 6th
Im sick, fever and the whole bit.
9th of February
Today we changed a lot in the piece we have been working on. Hannes, Berit, Amanda and me was in it and we set the production as it was then. In other words Jonas made it into a piece on its own. It works like this: First we dance into darkness and the underworld to Fausts ambient sounds. And then Berit goes first with her piece about child abuse. Then its my turn with my story of how i left the society machine first as a child and later when i just walked off into the forest last spring and almost froze to death. And then there is Hannes piece with the powerfull scenes of becoming an animal and gettings knifes through the arms and piedestals of corpses and such. And then it was Amandas piece about how she left her old life of red wine and guitars and how her childhood with domestic troubles played out. And thats the theater piece we made. Its about half an hour long.
13th of February
On this day we first made preparations with many hours of dark/underworld dance to Faust sounds. And then we rehersed the piece, and then we played it for an audience of the rest of the theater machine troupe who was not sick or away. We talked about two specific element of consiousness travel in the darkness. Either a lowering through breath and concentration of the focal point or balance point. Or a way if traveling fourth between the layers of consiousness. Then we talked about preparations for marketing the piece. We had an idea of a poster for it in the spirit of Truth Motherfucker project style.
16th of February
Im still a bit sick. We rehersed Jim Morrisons last song "American prayer", in a Swedish version, to put in the end of truth motherfucker part 2.
Concering my other efforts im listing all foundations, funds and organisations that might be interesting to check if they want to sponsor us. On the 25th we have the Cabaré, and around the 13th of March we will invite the municipality, people from around the villages, social service and what not to see the two parts of the truth motherfucker play. The first part being about my brothers upbringing and the second part i already talked about. Also im writing suggestions for research, making notes for that in swedish on www.tmsvenska.blogspot.com
7th of March
I came home after band rehersal and i was really tired, exhausted. Unnaturally exhausted. So i fried two eggs and went to bed at around 9 PM. As soon as i closed my eyes i saw Berits head coming into view, turning to look at me. And then Hannes head glided into view, turning and looking at me at the same time as it cought on fire. A third head, a skull with only some skin and tissue left drifted in from the side and it tured and looked at me. Then that vision faded and i saw lots of eyes looking at me. Then maybe 15 minutes later i fell asleep.
Its very unusual for me to see things like that, visions of my friends that is. I told everyone else about it, just so that they know.
14 th of March
We had band rehersal in the evening and we played in the cube with a huge echo because of the corrugated iron ceiling and the concrete floor. And i really let loose. We got it recorded.
Then afterwards i went home and walked into the woods and looked at the stars. I stood there looking for a while and then as i looked down there where four people standing there. They didnt move much and was made of shadow. I told them to share their wisdom, and that i would share mine. And i think they did. Because all of a sudden, i knew how to call them:
Make a fire in a fireplace at night. Sit around until everybody has calmed down and such. There should not be any talking or things going on. And then spread the embers of the fire and dont let it burn. Then everybody turns around and watch what is going on and this should be done for quite some time. Maybe its a good idea to try to talk to them, to call them nicely. And then everybody turns back to the fire and they will be there if they prefer to come.
18th to 21th March, Dreams and visions
During these nights i had crystal clear visions before actually falling asleep and then as i slept i remember my dreams. Im not sure this is the order they came but:
Visions
There was a woman that by now that was mostly blackened bones connected together into a skeleton.
There was a man with a black hat holding a cat. He looked at me i think as if he was aware i could see him.
There was a set of drum floating on water inside a building with a wooden floor. It looked kind of like the studio in Skräppbo.
There where two or three red busses stopping somewhere in the woods with pinetrees. Some kind of hippies or something like that got out. Think they where honoring the date when the day is as long as the night (Vårdagjämningen).
I saw a woman at a cliff. Her body warped in time so that she was a kid, then a woman, then an old lady, and then back and forth between, back and forth. I tried seeing her face and it warped even more then between different ages, it was not human. So i think she was some sort of non human spirit.
Dream of ascension
I was in a big city and i found one of my friends in the street. He was all warped and his head was too big for a human, and with a weak neck so it did look unnatural for him to even be able to lift his head. I dont know what friend it was since his face was warped. He was going to hang himself. He had a cable or wire wrapped around his head and neck, but it was not connected to anything it just went up in the air without any support. I tried to stop my friend, but the wire/cable tightened and his neck snapped. The cable/wire cut his face into shreds as it tightened. But he didnt die and sort of regreted his action so he told me to go call for help.
I went to a bigger street and tried to get in touch with an ambulance somehow. I got connected to one and they said it was coming so i ran back to my friend. When i got there his skin was changing to wine red and there where no wounds and no cable/wire. There where scales and boils on his skin and he was just standing there in some strange manner, i tried talking to him but it seemed i was not able to get through to him. I ran back to the big street to catch the ambulance and i saw it and stopped it and told them where to go, but they had to turn the car at an interseciton or something, but they understood where to go so i ran back to my friend.
When i got to my friend he was not hurting any more. He was sitting cross legged, floating in the air. His skin had completely gone wine red and there where some kind of scales or something on it. I think he just looked at me as he was floating and then he just sort of imploded and disappeared. And i woke up.
20th of March
We went to the house at Backens. I walked and Ove, Oskar, Oskars wife Maria i think she was called and Berit took the car. I was drumming while talking to Nasti as i walked because she probably needed some excersize. As i got to backens first i went to the slope where i saw those small shadows in the evening light.And then i saw Stella at the house and thought "How did she get here?". Then i sat drumming while humming a tone that went from high to low into the ground. Then we went to skräppbo to fetch some eggs and Stella was there. I asked here "But you where at Backens, how did you get there and back here?" She told me she hadnt been there, but she thought about it. Then we went to the yellow stream and Berit placed to eggs in it. And i let that flow in, a steady stream of energetic life energy. Then we had a quick look at the white stream and a nod at the black stream and then back.
Then at noon or right after we gathered and lit a fire. My brother started breathing heavily and he started singing. I sang the same tone and somehow i felt something pouring out from within. I let go and went with it. I screamed as immanse energy filled me. I tried standing but it just kept pounding into me. Energy like wings spread from my arms. I followed the invisible things going on in the air. I got hot and cooled myself with snow, and i looked at hands that was not mine. I stretched for the trees and the sun and it was me. There was no division between me and other people, there was no "me" and "other people". It seemed nobody understood what was happening to that thing that was me no longer.
As it spoke it had no attachment for this "me" thing, could not identify with it.
And then we talked about the future and Oskar told us about people living below a sacred mountain in Chile. According to the word they have been there for many ice ages and they have techniques of anti gravity and advanced tools. He said that they sometimes send people out into the world to be there at certain events.
21th of March
I have no idea what to do. There is no big religions for what is going on, they are all at a fault. There are no big masses of people who really gets it, not even the Tibetans.
31st of March
The 40s cabarre was a lot of fun. Days and days of restless, endless rehersal eventually paid off. The crowd liked it and the party afterwards. I took many days to get back to some kind of... manageable state.
6th of April
I cant stop thinking about her. I need to go with the forest, into the hollows beneath the earth. Im traveling the drum for a couple of days while she is away. Ill bring some unsolved threads into the wastness of the universe and lets see what happens. But mainly i just want to get away, get some distance from all that is "me". To concentrate on that tone, that rhytmn in which the universe talk and sway. I have no idea if i will be gone for a few hours or three days, main thing is i brought enough water not to be dehydrated. A sausage and seeds will provide the rest i need. Bye civilisation!
