Mixed emotions

Met my ex wife yesterday as i went back to Umeå with my father to collect all my nice books (like Sun Tzu, the art of war (Actually i have it in my pocket now)). Well she was not really my wife, but we where together for 12 years, and like my father said yesterday "Thats pretty much like a marriage." Maybe interesting here is that my fathers first marriage was a lot shorter then 12 years. Well anyway...

When i saw her face my heart was screaming "There she is!" My mind was saying "Im not really here, its only for today, all these things has already past and im simply viewing existence through the eyes of a temporary human vessel." At the same time i had to try to at least sort of sound like a person with a "me" as i was talking to her and my father. While at the same time i had to think about actually drinking the coffee, even though all events already had taken place. So i had to project back in time so to speak, since i already decided that these events had already taken place so i could not affect its outcome.

But really, what are these things that passes for "emotions"? I dont want to sound cold or boring, i simply want to know. Because, as a human i have the thought process creation ability that other animals dont, i can simply introduce a way of explaining this, refining the explanation as i go along. So just a few words on research background. But please, remember, we are talking about real people here, im a real person and i dont fuck around with this shit (social science, although in the later part of this i must warn you i will drift into litterature since i really need to write how i perceived reality at that time), this is no god damn fucking university retarded bullshit, ill actually try to get to the core directly. So ill be short, and hopefully sweet.

Science has REALLY had a BIG fucking problem with emotions. They look at it, turn it around, get rid of the whole thing, try to ignore, try to blame it on some bullshit crap, but never ever do they just fucking TRY TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND FOR GODS SAKE. I mean it, they really dont try! If they DID try, they would found out its actually doable for crist sake! So thats for research background!

Now im getting into my theory, then ill apply to some conrecete empirical evidence, you dig so far? Cool. My theory is the first thing that pops into my mind when i think this question to myself: What is emotions? Superlogical non confined, non defined mental entities. What the fuck do i mean by that, that sounds horrible i dont get it at all?! Ok ill explain each word and how they describe the whole thing.

"Superlogical" This means that its not really logical, because people talk, scientists and poets and artists and whatnot talk about as if its kinda the antithesis to logic, that its kinda weird kinda jumps on yah from behind with claws and shit. That its sort of unpredictable, which is opposite to logic that is predictable.

"non confined, non defined" It means we really dont know about it, where does it start, how big is it, when does it end, how to measure it, what is it made of and all that. Yeah sure, some dude covers someones scull with electrodes and measure how much electricity goes somewhere and such, but from what i can see all that research is going nowhere, it cant say anything useful about this, and believe me i looked  into.

"mental entities" Well i say emotions are mental entities because they arent really chairs or orange juice or beer cans. They arent physical objects, But still we talk about them as if they are things, so in that sense they kind of ARE things.

Ok so there we got the theory of emotions all nice and explained. So then let me ask a couple of  research questions to my gatherings of empirical data and then i will apply the theory.

• What does it mean to be influenced by emotions?

Well i think feelings is a name for something i could call our primal driving force. This force is mostly animalistic to its nature, meaning other animals also have it and depend on it. Its one of the building blocks of our society and our environment. Its in all living things and acts through them. Even trees has the same primal driving force as we do. 

That means all living things have emotions so its the basis of our nature, it forms and transforms everywhere. Its even a part of logic, its at the root of why and how we exist in the universe. Therefore we are always influenced by emotions. Without them we would not feel the need to drink, eat sleep and so on. 

• What does it mean not to be controlled by emotions? 

Emotions are quick. The first thing that pops into our mind, thats pretty much based on raw emotion. But then as that first thing pops into your mind you sort of try to analyze the situation a bit and see if thats a weird response or not. Could you do that? What would happen? I think not to be controlled by emotions means to be able to just take a step back and look at that first thing that pops into your mind and try to find out where its coming from, if it seems smart or not, will somebody be angry and what would you think if you where in some elses shoes. The more you are stepping away from that first idea, the less controlled by it will you be.                                    

                       But i mean maybe you dont need to step back and think about that first idea, maybe you can just go with the flow and do the first thing. If you do that you will be controlled by emotion.

• So is it good or bad to be controlled by emotions?

I really dont fucking know, stop asking me all these questions. Well if your emotions are leading you to do destructive acts, maybe you need to take a step back. But if your emotions is all in harmony with the surrounding area, things can move really slow and there is a lot of time for thinking, then maybe just going with the first impulse will work. 

LETS APPLY IT
Yeah so let me apply these to real world situations, ill just mix em in like a DJ or something, a fuck it just keep reading for gods sake.

When im influenced by emotions it can be like when im in the forest and i stretch my arm out for some of natures stuff down on the ground. She is giving her flesh, im eating it. Her body becomes part of mine in an ever cycling process. Its mostly water, but it dont taste like that it just explodes like C4 in the mind filling it with the idea of fresh blueberries, it wipes ALL other things from the slate and instead of a hunk of flesh im instantly transported to the dimension called "fresh blueberries".

To be influenced by emotions can be like when i heard thunderous steps, like a phantom way larger then an elephant. Either i was hearing from another dimension or i was hearing a thousandfold from our normal reality. The thing was with that place, there really was no sound there. It was below a big powerline in he forest southeast of Umeå. I walked further into the forest and found a REALLY dark patch. I peered into dark misty world where spores of mold came in chunks big enough to break the sunlight and make them visible in the air. My lungs was saying "Yo dude just dont fucking go there. " Instead i went back to the trail below the powerlines and i came to a big rock, got some wood and lit a fire and grilled my sausages. As i ate them thin clouds drifted past way up above. I got the sense something drifted over me from that dark patch of forest i left behind, now between me and Umeå City (i was way out in the forest, both mentally and physically, i left the body experience couple of miles down the trail in the dust and noise of the city). Later i think a small plane drifted by, but then i heard something in the high grass, probably something living under the rock. I had been totally quite for a long time, im not counting breaking twigs to put in the fire as sound, since there was no person there (im not counting myself, remember i have no body experience here) to perceive it and the forest doesnt perceive it as something out of the ordinary. And since the forest dont have a clock, something not out of the ordinary can repeat again and again and still not be something out of the ordinary. That is to be influenced by emotions.

To be controlled by emotions is, to take a trading example, but dont worry i wont get into any boring technicals: I cant fucking sleep because there is a lot of fucking doe on stake here. Its not a big fat wad of gold coins, but comparably its a big fucking deal. Do you fucking know what sleep deprivation and god damn coffee at 6 o clock in the god damn fucking moring to be able to stay the fuck awake and stare at your god damn fucking numbers all fucking god damn hours of the god damn motherfucking clock on the shitface asshole motherfucking wall of god damn shame and total totalitarian utter punishment of torture and pain!

24 hours a day!
24 hours a day!

That is to be fucking god damn controlled by satanic god damn motherfucking emotions.

(Oh by the way, i get the nounces of personification rather mixed sometimes and i can actually refer to myself as another person as the one behind the keyboard, but i checked the text at least once to verify that i didnt do this mistake anywhere in the text, but still if i did i apologize for this rather slight inconvenience really.)

So just to sort of be fair or something ill take another, less horrendous example of what its like to be controlled by emotions: I had hit rock bottom, had to get away from trading. I walked off into the forest. This was 15 moons ago. I told my wife i was going into the forest, i had my phone. I walked on paths where i didnt see people. If i saw them i search for another path. If i heard traffic i went the other way. I came to steep hillside filled with nettles. But these are no derivates, fuck no, these are the real thing, these just hurt and then its gone, pure sensation. It was weeks later i remembered i was wearing pants that ended by the knee. It was weeks later i looked at my legs and saw the little scars. I climbed the hillside. Fuck no, i didnt, i thought i did at first but i didnt, i only got halfway. The ground was covered with a thick layer of rottening nettles. Later i came to a place where i found firewood. I had no food so i starved all day. Now actually i had to omit most of that story because it doesnt fit with what im saying here. Well anyway, thats what its like to be controlled by emotion.

Then i lit the fire. The plants crawled into me, or i crawled into them, same thing. I felt the fire from below, spreading my wings, heading my feathers in it. I stretched my neck to see behind the tufts of grass, looking for frogs. I came to the stone and felt the smell of death, i dont like it but i have to eat otherwise i die to. Its maybe poetic but completely true.

 As i got back to the path just walked along and came to a musty, misty, damp, dark, lingering, lonesome patch of the forest with no little guys running along on the floor of the forest because they dont like all that wet. So the municipalitys people had placed planks to walk on so as to be able to run there without rubber boots. Although these days hardly ever did anyone run here, and i know, at times i spent more time in those forests then i did at home. Any given good trail with planks and all get an average of say 6 visitors, counting dog and human. Trust me i know i sat all day at the same place overseeing the trails. After dark nobody ever go into the forest.

So about if its good or bad to be controlled by emotions: Well let me tell you what its like to be in harmony with emotions, where you are not controling them, they are controling you. If you align yourself with your emotions, which is very simple, you will harmonize with your emotions. This is what you do: Ask yourself: "What do i want to do?" Do that and you will harmonize with the feeling. If the feeling is disharmonious you will be disharmonious if you unite with it. If you had the emotion, you are disharmonious. Chill out, im not talking no god damn new age crap here, im just applying the friggin words to themselves in a very logical manner, this is no magic or friggin hokus pokus! Check it: If you seem to want something you think that you do not want, then you both want and dont want. The way here is not to want, dont want a thing! Not want! Dont do a thing! Dont think about what you are going to do with the thing and then later you gonna go there and talk to... No no no, none of that, away with that. Dont think that you are person and all that just relax from all that, just dont do anything. If you still seem to want to think about something do that, but just sit still. Dont go anywhere and fetch some tea or some bullshit, just sit the fuck down. And ok you want to think about something ok, but dont write it down or anything just sit still. Forget about time, its mumjumbo pretend magic anyways. Ok so dont do anything. Just keep not doing anything, nevermind how much time is passing, when you need to know a lot of time has passed, your body will tell it to you for sure, dont worry trust me, ive done this a lot. So dont do anything. If you are not doing anything, you need to sit or at least stand comfortably. So do that. Ok so now that you are doing nothing, its quite obvious thats what you are doing all that time, you are alive. You can think about what you are going to do later. Just dont do anything. So trust me, try it out, dont do anything. I think not doing stuff for a bit is a good idea for you.